What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting was Merriam Webster’s Word of the Year in 2022.

You may have heard the term gaslighting and wondered whether it’s just a different word for lying. Celebrities including Pitch Perfect star Anna Kendrick have publicly accused their exes of gaslighting. The term started in theater, with a 1938 British play turned into the now-famous 1944 film Gaslight starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman. In this thriller, a husband repeatedly tricks and confuses his wife so she doubts her perceptions and slowly loses her sanity; in one example, she notices that the downstairs lights keep dimming strangely (due to his sneaky actions in the attic), but her husband denies her observation. He’s trying to drive her insane so that he can commit her to a mental institution and steal from her.

Despite the drama, gaslighting as a behavior in an intimate relationship is considered emotional and psychological abuse, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. It involves psychological manipulation that aims to sows seeds of doubt in the victim, leaving them to question their memory, perceptions, judgment – sometimes even their sanity.

Motivation for gaslighting includes a desire to gain power and control over someone and/or to hide the manipulator’s bad behavior by distorting reality with a false narrative. “It’s all in your head” is the gaslighter’s calling card, and lying, distracting, minimizing, denying, and blaming are some of the tactics used undermine your reality and to dominate you. Narcissists and pathological liars can be prone to gaslighting, but many people without a personality disorder use these behaviors when a relationship turns ugly and a partner feels challenged, or when an abusive partner uses this tool of manipulation.

Not surprisingly, a bad marriage or the threat of divorce can rachet up gaslighting. If you’ve sensed your spouse is gaslighting you, you’re not alone. It’s important to pay close attention to what your spouse is doing, even more than what he/she/they is saying; this helps to identify the behavior. According to Psychology Today, some gaslighters are so effective  that the best way to detect them is by recognizing their victim’s mental state rather than by trying to identify the manipulator’s actions.

Here are some forms gaslighting can take:

·      Deny or minimize issues. Gaslighters may try to convince their partner they’re “wrong” by saying/implying complaints or concerns are unfounded or exaggerated. Example statements include:

• “you’re being too sensitive,” “calm down,” “it’s not a big deal”

• “I’m doing the best I can, what more do you want?!”

• “You’re making things up,” “you’re exaggerating,” “you’re overreacting”

·      Blame you. Gaslighters may try to shift the blame for problems in the relationship onto their partner. For example, if a spouse has repeatedly complained about feeling neglected, the gaslighter may respond by saying, “Well, if you weren’t so demanding, I wouldn’t have to tune you out.” Conversations are twisted so that you wind up wondering if you’re the cause of your partner’s bad behavior.

·      Lie to you. A gaslighter can lie and then double down on their lie when you challenge their story. They can be quite persuasive and might also outright say, “that never happened” or “you’re crazy” or “you’re paranoid.” They can take this tactic if they’ve had an affair or even if you try to discuss the details of a past argument or event.

·      Discredit you to others. A gaslighter can undermine you to family or friends. They may spread rumors, or they may act like they’re worried about you while conveying the message that you seem unstable. Inflicting damage indirectly, by turning your support system against you and in support of them, can be devastating.

·      Distract you. A gaslighter may dodge an uncomfortable question by changing the subject or asking a question instead. This distracts you and also makes you question the need to press the matter at all.

·      Isolate you. A gaslighter may try to insinuate that friends or relatives are negatively influencing you; driving these wedges isolates you and causes you to question your judgment.

·      Trick you with caring words. A gaslighter might use words like “you know I love you” or “I never meant to hurt you” in situations when they’re called out for a wrongdoing.

·      Rewrite history. A gaslighter will retell a story that puts them in a favorable light, even if the event involved something serious like physical abuse. You may doubt your memory.

Gaslighting is emotional abuse.

Regardless of the tactic used, it’s important to remember that gaslighting is emotional abuse that can have serious long-term effects. If you’re second-guessing yourself today, months from now your self-esteem and mental health may be out the window. You may grow dependent on your abuser, and you may even have suicidal thoughts. In the context of divorce, marital property and custody arrangements are at stake, and children must be protected from an abuser. It’s crucial to find an experienced attorney who has seen the gamut of behavior and knows how to handle a master manipulator and their attempts to influence divorce proceedings and to discredit you. Ideally, you should consult an attorney before tipping off a gaslighter to a divorce. Your attorney will be able to guide you on strategic preparation before filing for divorce. Finding a strong advocate will make all the difference in how you’ll experience the divorce process as well.

With more than 35 years of experience representing thousands of clients, Faith Miller is one of New York’s most sought after matrimonial and family law attorneys. She has represented both adults and children in high-profile cases presenting some of the most complex financial and custodial issues.

If you are in search of an attorney to represent you, or need an attorney for your child(ren), look no further. Contact Faith Miller today for a consultation.